Make America Clean Again
by SuaveGentStories
Summary: Danny Tanner's campaign for president turns into one catastrophic mess.


It's a typical evening in the Tanner household. Joey is doing unmentionable things to Mr. Woodchuck, Jesse is styling his greasy mane, and Danny is watching the evening news. After a story on yet another tragedy, Danny loudly exclaims, "Man, the world is a mess! We need somebody to clean it up."

Suddenly, Michelle walks in from the kitchen and says "Dad, you love to clean up things! You should run for president!". Danny chuckles, turns off the television, and decides to call it a night. Danny walks up the stairs and into his bedroom. As he stands in front of his mirror in tighty-whities, he looks at himself and thinks about what Michelle said. "Me? As president? Well, Michelle is a smart kid. And hey, I look presidential. People love me on Wake Up! San Francisco…"

The next morning, the family is gathered at the kitchen table eating Eggo brand Chocolate Chip waffles. "Man, these are great! Pass me some more!", says Joey. "Of course you think they are great, you're a fucking twelve year old in an adult man's body.", Jesse says. "These taste like shit. I'm going to McDonald's where they serve REAL food." and with that, Jesse walks out the door. Joey jumps from his seat and follows Jesse outside. "Wait, Jess, get me a Chicken McNugget Happy Meal while you're there! And please request the Donatello Ninja Turtle toy with my meal!"

Danny stands up from his seat at the table and says "family, I have a big announcement to make. Today, on Wake Up! San Francisco, I will be announcing my run for president. I feel that I am the leader this country needs in these trying times." The family erupts in laughter. "I'm serious, I will be beginning my campaign today. You can support me, but if you don't, I will take Pam's ashes off the mantle and dump them in the Pacific." Everyone goes silent. "Um, yeah, we support you, Dad..", DJ says.

Danny heads off to work and thinks about how grateful he is to have such a supportive family. The Wake Up! San Francisco host arrives to the studio and runs into Becky. "Oh, Hey Becky, gotta run...I'm in a real hurry right now." says Danny. "Me too, Danny. I actually have a big announcement to make on the show today," Becky says in a low, sad tone. Danny wonders what that is all about. "That fucking Donaldson, always trying to steal my thunder. Well, she won't overshadow my announcement today, that's for goddamn sure." Danny sprints to the set so he can arrive before Becky, his awkward limbs flailing around.

"Five, four, three, two, one, ACTION.." the cameraman, who is a registered sex offender, shouts.

Before anyone can get a word in, Danny loudly says "Goooood Morning San Franciscooo", imitating the late Robin Williams, shitting on his memory. "I have a big announcement to make to you lovely viewers, you are hearing this here first.." Becky looks at the camera in total shock. "I am running for president of this great nation. That's right, your favorite morning host might be your next president!"

The crew bursts into uncontrollable laughter. "I'm serious, everyone. I already have my slogan picked out - Make America Clean Again. I've got Joey designing the website. As a matter of fact, it might be ready. Guys, let's get that website on the screen!"

The website is put on the screen and it is a sight indeed. Comic sans font, Looney Toons and Popeye gifs, pictures of Mr. Woodchuck, and wood jokes everywhere. "Real funny, guys. Where is my real website? I specifically told Joey to make it professional. He told me he took web design classes at Trump University so I trusted him with this."

Danny tries to hide his embarrassment. "Well, it's not the website that matters, it's the message. I'm going to clean this country up! As a matter of fact, I want to start right now. What was that announcement you wanted to make, Becky? I'm out the door, so you can do that right now. Thank you America!"

Becky begins to speak, her voice shaking. "Well, that was something. As a matter of fact, I did want to make an announcement today. I don't want to overwhelm you with announcements, viewers...I think that was enough for today.."

Becky notices a nose sticking out from the doorway. "Oh, looks like Danny is still here, eavesdropping from the other room. Don't you have a country to clean?"

Danny waltzes in "…Sorry, I just forgot something…make that announcement, Becky. I didn't mean to overshadow you." A creepy smirk grows on the presidential wannabe's face.

"Okay, this is a difficult announcement, but it is one that I need to make. After today, I will no longer be hosting Wake Up! San Francisco. My doctor recently informed me of a serious medical issue. I need to spend this time with my family. Thank you, loyal viewers."

"If you need anyone to babysit while you're at appointments, I'm here for you Becky", Lee, the cameraman, says instantly after Becky stops talking.

"YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!" Danny Tanner screams. "How dare you make this announcement on MY BIG DAY?!"

Danny can't handle his emotions and goes on a rampage. He starts punching the crew and knocking over chairs. After this drags on for several uncomfortable minutes, the police arrive. Danny is placed in handcuffs and taken off to jail. "These cuffs are filthy!", Danny huffs.

As Danny sits in his cell, he can't believe what is going on. His presidential run is ruined. "God Damn it, I wanted to give this country universal maid service…" he thinks. Danny pulls a baggie full of powder out of his shirt pocket – emergency dish detergent. Danny snorts it and feels instantly clean inside.

"Hey man, is that Cascade? That shit's tight." Danny's cellmate, Jesse Blueman says.

Danny quirks an eyebrow. "Y-yeah, it's some of the purest stuff out there. Straight from the factory, none of that grocery store garbage".

After another whiff of the powder, Danny is out like a rock. His cellmate hovers over him. "Yo, Skinny T, I'm going to give you makeover. You'll love it when you wake up!" Jesse shaves off Danny's bushy brown hair and gives him a jailhouse tattoo.

Danny wakes up to a voice. "Alright Tanner, you're free to go. Be on your best behavior, I don't want to see you again", the heavy-set guard says, spitting out donut crumbs in the process.

Danny returns home and is quickly informed that he is no longer welcome at the Tanner Household. The End


End file.
